Scary Story
by mohawk elf
Summary: Let me tell you a little story about a girl named Sue... AHHHH!!!!


{A/N: This is a parody for LOTR and Scream. I was inspired when I saw a Mary-Sue in an Orlando Bloom fic I just happened to be laughing at. I thought of the little kid from The Sixth Sense' when he said: They're everywhere. It makes for a scary read, does it not? It was also inspired by The Chosen which is a fic you could find here at FF, WHICH SUCKS! If you haven't seen it, you probably won't understand the songs the MS sings.}  
Disclaimer: I do not own Legolas, although it was a personal favor he repaid with his appearance. I also do not own Aragorn, but who wouldn't want to? *insert drool here* Anyway, parodies do NOT break copyrights.}  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
I'm sure you all have heard or seen examples of Mary-Sue's. I'm sure you all have screamed expletives at your computer as the prepubescent author's pitiful MS' riddled story unfolds before you, like roadkill on the highway of your imagination. It's a terribly horrifying feeling, that makes you shudder and moan with disgust, clench your fists in anger, and turn green with nausea. I understand, my friend, for I have suffered too.  
Most people will argue that Mary-Sue's can only exist in actual canon such as movies or books, but I am here to show you proof that there is otherwise. The disease known as MS' that has spread like syphilis among sites like _Fanfiction.net _and _Yahoo!_ does not just stop there. You'll find Mary-Sue's in actor related fan fiction, for example, they can exist in a fan story about Elijah Wood... And they can exist in the reality we know...  
  
The following is a true story... It happened to me... This is my scary story...  
  
  
  
  
[Melissa sits on her couch, her apple ibook cradled in her lap as she browsed a fan fiction story on FF. net. She smokes a cigarette lazily as she logs in as _Mohawk Elf_ to flame some stupid Mary-Sue shite. Somewhere near, she could hear something crash to the floor. Thinking it's one of her three cats she settles deeper into the couch, putting her feet up on the coffee table as she reads another shite story...]  
  
[Reading]  
  
_She woke in teh middle of a forrest, her hair done in eleborate knots and coils. She is waering a beautiful gown...  
_  
Melissa: [Snicker snicker] Stupid retard. Let me guess... Here comes Legolas to point an arrow at you...  
  
_Suddenly, with her suddenly keen ears she heres a twig snap..._  
  
Melissa: [aghast] Like an Elf as smart and skilled as Legolas would snap a fucking twig! Oh Gods, and this author needs to LERN HOW TO SCHPEEL'!  
  
_and she whirls_  
  
Melissa: ...into a ditch and breaks her back and dies... TEH END!!11 w00t! [claps]  
  
_to find herself confrtonted by the most beautiful guy. His lon bloinde hair reflects the moonlit air, and he glides across the grass without a sound...  
  
_Melissa: Yet he manages to snap a twig. And WTF does bloinde' mean!?  
  
_Legalas- Oh! I said as he came closer, revealing steel gray eyes and pouty lips._  
  
Melissa: [as Legolas] Oh hi, are you an Orc?  
  
[Suddenly Melissa is startled by a thud outside. She shrugs it off as nothing after a long moment of silence and turns back to the story.]  
  
Melissa: I've had enough of this crap. Time for another flame...  
  
[She opens the Submit Review window and begins to type]  
  
_Look, I don't know what you've been smoking but this is a fucking retarded story. You're a sucky cow at writing, so please don't quit your day job as a two cent hooker, because laying on your back is probably all you're good for. And if you'd like to write a decent LOTR story, you should at least know how to spell everyone's names and learn their characters, you damned git!'_  
  
[Feeling immensely satisfied (and scornful of the 15 year old girl named Ami' that wrote it), she shuts off her net connection and closes her laptop, she noticed that her eyes grow heavy with exhaustion. She stands and would have made it to the hallway when the phone rang. After a moment of hesitation she dashes over to it and picks it up.]  
  
Melissa: ello?  
  
[She is greeted by silence at first and then the faint sound of breathing.]  
  
Melissa: [Getting annoyed] Look, I'm really tired after shagging your mom all day, so can you please bugger off?  
  
[Melissa is about to hang up when a voice comes over the line. It's soft and breathy and sounds incredibly sweet and beautiful.]  
  
Voice: Do you like fanfic stories?  
  
Melissa: [Surprised] Er... Who the hell is this?  
  
Voice: What's your favorite fanfic story?  
  
[Melissa frowns at the phone, her patience quickly running thin]  
  
Melissa: _Who_ is this?  
  
[The sickeningly sweet voice sounds familiar, but for some reason Melissa cannot place where she has heard it, or who it belongs to. The thing she knew was that the sugary and melodic voice struck a fear in her, the likes of which she had never known.]  
  
Voice: My favorite story is the chosen'. Have you heard of it? But then again, I like a_ lot_ of stories... [Silence for a moment] Do you like _Fanfiction.net_?  
  
Melissa: How do you...?  
  
Voice: Cause I was watching you... _Mohawk Elf_!  
  
[Melissa dropped the phone, watching it fall to the floor with shock and disgust as it finally registered. Her mysterious caller was none other than.... A Mary-Sue... Quickly she picked it up again, aware of the tinkling and tinny laughter, like the clarion of silver trumpets and twinkling bells, and hung it up with force, nearly splintering the plastic of the cradle.]  
  
[Immediately it rang again]  
  
Melissa: [Looking around] This canNOT be happening... My sole comfort in this world is that those Mary-Slimes canNOT exist!  
  
[She looked around, and making her mind up she ran into the kitchen and slipped the mother of all butcher knives out of a drawer. She was not going down easily]  
  
Melissa: I am not going down easily.  
  
[I just said that.]  
  
Melissa: [Blushing] Oh, my bad.  
  
[She turned from side to side, making sure no one snuck up on her.]  
  
[Nothing. The phone had stopped ringing long ago and she was greeted by silence.]  
  
[Melissa sighed with relief and relaxed, thinking that she just might have imagined the whole incident.]  
  
Melissa: [Thinking] I have got to stay off of FF. net.  
  
[Nearby she could hear the sounds of someone singing a song by that shite band _Alien Ant Farm_, and it filled her with fear. It is outside and sounds like it is coming from the porch doors.]  
  
Disembodied Voice: Annie are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?  
  
[Melissa's mouth drops open]  
  
Melissa: [whispering] Noooo!  
  
[She clenches the knife in her hand, the knuckles on her tanned hand turning white]  
  
[Melissa starts as the slight squeak of the glass sliding doors sounds. She knows she's not alone. Suddenly she spins around and is confronted by a tall girl... with pointed ears.]  
  
Girl: [Her face is white, with burning holes for eyes that burn with an unholy evil] You've flamed my story!   
  
Melissa: AHHH! [She turns and bolts through the kitchen door, out into the forest and is stopped by a sight she will never forget.]  
  
[Gimli is tied to a chair in the backyard, wearing nothing but a thong and cowboy boots. Blood shows liberally over the grass, turning everything into a nearly black pool. He looks at her pleadingly.]  
  
Melissa: Poor Gimli, alas! You are always being fucked with in those damned stories!  
  
[Laughter is heard behind her, and Melissa turns to see the Mary-Sue wielding a sword, when in real life, she wouldn't be able to pick it up, much less get her small and perfect hands around the broad hilt. Mary-Sue wields it skillfully, despite never even using one before]  
  
Mary-Sue: Have at you!  
  
[Melissa squeals in fright, and then giggles]  
  
Melissa: Have at you!? [And then her mouth drops open at the rushing descent of the sword as it slices air towards her head.] GAHH!  
  
[Melissa runs into the forest, despairing at the fearful and girlish shrieks of horror Gimli screams as the Mary-Sue nearly chops him in two.]  
  
[Melissa runs into the trees of her backyard, cursing that the nearest neighbor is still quite a run away. She stops beside a tree and ducks behind it, waiting for the MS to pass so she could slash at her legs...]  
  
Melissa: What am I thinking!? This is an Elf Mary-Sue. That means she's got perfect eyesight, and she'll probably hear my breathing a mile away! Plus, she'll probably regenerate like Wolverine right before my eyes, because she's a Mary-Slime! GAHH! Die BITCH!  
  
[Suddenly her ears perk at a hiss in the bushes beside her and she sees a blonde head peep out of the foliage. A Blonde Elf.]  
  
Blonde Elf: My Lady, it grieves me to see you fear so, but I am here to help. I know your plight as I have just escaped from my own in which I had to deal with a foul creature much like the one that hunts you. [He said earnestly as Melissa gawked] My name is Legolas, and I am from Mirkwood.  
  
[Melissa just stares]  
  
[Another voice is heard behind Legolas, and she is met by another pair of eyes, these slightly colder.]  
  
Legolas: This is King Elessar, and he understands what goes on. [Legolas explained]  
  
[Melissa finally comes out of her daze, and smiles.]  
  
Melissa: I am Melissa, and I'm glad you guys are here to help. She's evil. [she hissed]  
  
[Aragorn seemed relieved at this. Melissa thought that he might have mistaken _her_ for a Mary-Sue, VALAR FORBID!]  
  
[Legolas nodded.]  
  
Legolas: We are here to help, Lady Melissa.  
  
[Suddenly the sounds of her thrashing about in the woods was heard, along with her singing something that sounded like a song by _Train_. Melissa shuddered in fear. Legolas tensed, bringing his bow and arrow level, and sighting.]  
  
Mary-Sue: Where are you, you little bitch! Teach you to flame my stories, we will, won't we precioussssss.  
  
[Aragorn shuddered]  
  
Melissa: [whispers to Legolas] She's got Gimli.  
  
[Legolas nods]  
  
Legolas: We know, which was another incentive to come.  
  
[Suddenly the makeshift Fellowship of the Ding... a ling saw their hunter, waving her sword about in the middle of the trees, trying to find Melissa. It was some sort of gruesome dance she did with the sword, laughing maniacally all the while, reminding Melissa of _The Texas Chain saw Massacre_, and Leather Face's evil chain saw dance]  
  
Mary-Sue: [Screaming] I'M GOING TO FIND YOU!! AND THEN I'LL RETURN TO MIDDLE EARTH AND TAKE OVER! FUCK SAURON, MEET SUERON!!! MWAHAHAHA! [she cackled]  
  
[Legolas shot an arrow, and it was true... No, actually at the last moment it lied, and as if swatted by some unseen force it landed harmlessly in a nearby tree. Mary-Sue spun to face the direction the arrow had come from, a hurt look on her evil face]  
  
Mary-Sue: Leggy!?  
  
[Legolas stood, followed by Aragorn, whose sword was brandished and shone in the moonlight, and Melissa, with her rather pathetic but still deadly butcher knife.]  
  
Legolas: Yes, it is I, Legolas...Lego-LEGGY... [Confused] ...My Lady.  
  
Aragorn: [Looking worried] Do not let her sex deter you from the duty you have sworn to uphold!  
  
[Legolas' arms shiver, and it seems that he is fighting within himself. Both Melissa and Aragorn watch with dismay as the bow wavers, is lowered, and with a jerk comes level to point at the MS, only to lower and waver again.]  
  
Melissa: Legolas, take that BITCH OUT!  
  
[He fires another arrow, but with the jerking of the bow it also misses it's mark. He put the bow down, dropping it into the grass, and slowly makes his way to the foul MS. Mary-Sue looks triumphant, her eyes like emeralds in the night.]  
  
Mary-Sue: I only want to make you happy, Leggy-poo! [she simpers in her sickening voice]  
  
Aragorn: [Raising Narsil with a cry to rival any war-cry, he runs toward the MS] DIE!  
  
[But again the there is divine intervention, as there always is... Or is that UNdivine intervention? He stumbles, probably feeling MS's enchanting magic, and an Uruk-Hai comes out of nowhere to engage the Ranger in battle. On the defense, he leaves Mary-Sue alone.]  
  
Melissa: [Thinking] It's all up to me. I'm the only one that isn't affected by the whore. I HAVE to stop her! The fate of _actual_ authors' sanity rests on my shoulders.  
  
[Melissa rushed forward and sinks her knife deep in the throat of the Mary-Sue, and then stabs her again, willing the blood to rush out before she could regenerate. Legolas shudders as if waking from a dream. Quickly he fetches his bow and after shooting the Uruk-Hai in the back, he shoots the Mary-Sue between the eyes. Unbelievably she's not dead but thrashes like a fish out of water...]  
  
  
*_THE NEXT DAY_*  
  
[Sunlight streams through the thick canopy of green as Melissa, Strider, and Legolas watch the still thrashing body of the Mary-Sue]  
  
Melissa: WHY WON'T SHE DIE!?  
  
[All three of them are going just a little bit mad watching as the MS continues to gasp and jerk, her eyes blinking tears as her mouth spits blood.]  
  
Legolas: [pulling his hair and screaming] DIE ALREADY!  
  
[Aragorn looks confused]  
  
Aragorn: It's been at least ten hours since she was _supposed _ to die. I just do not comprehend this abomination!  
  
[The MS continues to gasp and jerk, her eyes open and staring... Suddenly, Melissa has an idea.]  
  
Melissa: OK, so far we've shot and stabbed her... But that's no good. Everyone knows a Mary-Sue will not die _unless _she is able to say goodbye... In the worst and most possibly cliché way imaginable!  
  
[Legolas and Aragorn look hopeful, and then disgusted at the thought of going near her.]  
  
Melissa: [growling] C'mon, I have things to do. One of you have to do it. [Smiling comfortingly at Legolas] It should probably be you, because Aragorn is mostly in slash fics anyway.  
  
[Aragorn looks confused, Legolas looks horrified]  
  
Melissa: DO IT!  
  
[Finally Legolas moves to stand by the Mary-Sue, and with shock she stops thrashing and looks up at him in complete adoration. Slowly he bends, and immediately wants to gag when she reaches for his hand.]  
  
Mary-Sue: [Coughing up blood] My beloved... [hack cough hack] My only beloved...  
  
[Legolas tries and fails to look even remotely interested]  
  
Mary-Sue: You have... to go... on. For... me...  
  
Legolas: [deadpan] I intend to go on.  
  
Mary-Sue: No... don't make this... harder for me... Please... [couch hack] you... must go... on...  
  
Legolas: OK.  
  
Mary-Sue: I mean... it. You can't... fade away... for me.  
  
Legolas: I don't plan to. In fact, I'm going to start living my life right now as if I'd never known you. [Tugging his hand] If you don't mind letting go of my hand, I have to get back to Mirkwood-  
  
Mary-Sue: [cough hack wheeze] I know... you'll always... love me... beloved... Leggy... I'm going... to the... Undying.... Lands...  
  
Legolas: Er... no that's quite all right, you just die now, OK?  
  
Mary-Sue: I'll... always [cough] love... you...  
  
[And to everyone's dismay and anger she begins to sing I'll always Love you' by Whitney Houston in her tremulous voice, coughing and spitting blood everywhere.]  
  
[Legolas unsheathes a dagger in a wild rage and beheads her. Finally the hateful song is cut off.]  
  
Mary-Sue's head: Good... bye my... love... We shall... meet... again... I'll... wait... for you...  
  
[And finally she moved no more]  
  
Melissa, Legolas and Aragorn: YEY!  
  
  
  
  
So thus ends my scary story, and please be wary of things that go frump in the night, or you just might find a Mary-Sue standing beside your bed, with murder in her vacuous eyes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
